So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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