final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
