i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
