At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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