you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
