I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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