I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I wish there were birth control emojis
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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