saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
