Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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