So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
