A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
