Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
