just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
