dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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