I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
