I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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