her vagine was all disorganized.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
