dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
