I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
