I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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