i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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