do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
