He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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