I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
