Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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