at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I deserve this hangover.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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