we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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