I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
