there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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