I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
