If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
