Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
