I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
