I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
