The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
