she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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