Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
