the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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