So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
