u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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