Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
