You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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