So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
