Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
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