I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
