I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
