Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
