also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
