she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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