Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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